A DOOR GUN
Recently, I have not been posting a lot of stories or interviews. It is because I have been collecting information from a new universe. One with a different way of thinking. Thinking… with Portals.
I wanted to get an interview with GLaDOS, but she was too busy insulting her robotic test subjects. I then found my way into a back room, where I was able to find a few interesting personalities. Er, Aperture Science Personality Constructs, or Cores. (is everything here named like that?)
Me: Greetings.
Core: space. Space. Hi. Hi. Space. Space. Wanna go to space.
Me: I take it you really like space.
Space Core: Yes. Space. Space. Spaaace. Wanna go to space. space!
Me: Why do you like space so much?
Space Core: Guess! Guess guess guess…
Me: Uhm…
Space Core: SPACE!!!
That conversation was really going nowhere. I decided to bring in a few more Cores for questioning.
Me: Hello.
Fact Core: Hello. And again welcome to the Aperture Science Enrichment Center. *faces camera* We are in an interview with a human. This has never been done before! Let’s see how it goes.
Blue-eyed Core: Are you recording something?
Fact Core: Yup! Meet the Cores 4!
Me: *checks Harry101uk channel*…What’s your name?
Wheatley: I’m Wheatley. I’m the genius core.
Fact Core: That is NOT a fact. You are, in FACT, the Intelligence Dampening Core.
Wheatley: No, I’m not!
Fact Core: Yes. You are. GLaDOS said so. And you do act like a moron sometimes.
Wheatley: I AM NOT A MORON! I AM NOT GOING TO BE INSULTED LIKE THIS AGAI-
Me: QUIET! *everyone quiets down* Now, Wheatley, why did you say “insulted again?”
Wheatley: Well, what had happened-
Fact Core: Wait!
Wheatley: Stop interrupting me!
Me: Why should he wait?
Fact Core: FACT, he was about to spoil the ending of Portal 2.
Tom(HOW?!?!): *walks in* Spoilers? Tell me more.
Rain(wut): *sprints in, knocks Tom into floor* I got your call, what- *sees Cores* Why are you surrounded by mechanical eyeballs?
Five minutes of explanation later…
Me: Alright, Fact Core, I have a few ques-
Tom: I’ll take it from here. *very punch-worthy smirk*
Me: *smile* Sure.
Rain: Now we can see how much you stink at Interviewing.
Tom: Okay, Fact Core, is the cake really a lie?
Fact Core: That has not been proven.
Tom: Okay… Wheatley, why are you a moron?
Wheatley: I! AM! NOT! A! MORON!
Tom: Yeah, right. How would you best describe a portal gun?
Wheatley: *glancing around* Uhh… It’s a gun… that makes holes! No wait, that’s… uhh… It’s… Um… A door gun! Yes, a door gun! You go through one, and come out the other!
Tom: *looking around* See what I mean? Hey, Fact Core, how would you describe a portal gun?
I will not be including the things he said next, because it would waste about two hours of your time.
Wheatley: *pouty* Well, I thought my description was pretty good.
Tom: *checks phone* Well, that’s all the time I have for today. Bye, guys. *puts hand on Rain’s shoulder*
I’m not sure what happened, but Rain shoved him into some testing element, and he became a rather mangled corpse. Death number 119.
The next part of my interview was in a testing course. An interview with a turret is kind of a hard thing to do.
Me: *standing behind turret to avoid getting shot* Greetings. Do you have time for an interview?
Turret: *says nothing*
Me: Uh… Hello?
Turret: …
Me: *waves hand in front of turret*
Turret: *guns pop out* Hello?
Me: *moves hand* Hello.
Turret: *searching area* Are you still there?
Me: Uh, yes.
Turret: *stops searching* Sleep mode activated.
No good info there. I managed to find a room marked TRASH, and I spoke to a few defective turrets. They all have that same southern drawl. Weird.
Me: Hello.
Turret: Hey, pal.
Me: Could I ask you a few questions?
Turret: Shoot. *guns pop out* Oops. *mutters* Dang. I’ve got to fix that.
Me: How long did you work in the main Aperture Science facility before being sent down here?
Turret: Well, I stood around Test Chamber 67 for a little while. I guess the boss lady didn’t like that I couldn’t shoot at the test subjects. Besides, what could I do? They never gave me any bullets in the first place.
Me: How many subjects got around you?
Turret: I let maybe, what, five people past? Not that the place needed a turret. There were at least 20 ways to die there. Speaking of that, only one person survived the chamber.
Me: Who was it?
Turret: Um, I think it was Nell? Or Bell? Couldn’t have been Swell…
Next interviewee, the Companion Cube!
Me: Hi!
Companion Cube:
Right. They can’t talk. Or threaten to stab you.
Well, thank you for reading. I’m sorry for being ridiculously late. I’ve been working on producing music and animating and more stuff. Hopefully, I’ll soon be able to put more stuff on the website. Good bye, and don’t make lemonade!